Before I knew it I was in front of the office of one G. Reed, D.C. What he didn't know was that I was there with an injection needle filled with truth serum. For a long time I had read his ads and received all manner of obnoxious mail from him touting his gimmicks to get me into his office. The latest was a coupon offering me hundreds of dollars worth of "free" services. This I had to see. So -- posing as a prospective patient I entered.
RHT: Hello, Dr. Reed, I ...
Dr. Reed: Ah, ah ..., just call me Dr. G. It's cuter that way. Remember I'm here just to serve your every need. And incidentally, you look terrible.
Dr. G: Your face.
RHT: My face? You mean my beauty is fading?
Dr. G: Even worse. You're obviously dying from chronic subluxation. But don't be alarmed. Fortunately you've had the wisdom to come to see me and I can save you.
RHT: Are you the only one who can save me? Couldn't some other chiropractor help?
Dr. G: Shame on you. Everybody else out there is a crook and totally unqualified to do what only I can. Now go to my CA and arrange for a block of 80 appointments.
RHT: But what about my free examination?
Dr. G: We shook hands didn't we?
RHT: Well, yes.
Dr. G: And?
RHT: But what about the spinal examination and the x-rays?
Dr. G: Oh, yes. Turn around. Yep -- 80 visits. And have the CA take one x-ray of your neck.
RHT: But ...
Dr. G: You're making Dr. G upset. Already you've gotten hundreds of dollars worth of his time through Patient Love Fiesta. Now be a good fellow and bug off or you'll die of liver disease before I can get to you.
With that I pulled the truth serum hypodermic from my pocket and rammed it through his wallet till it hit home. For a moment he looked dazed. Slowly the look on his face changed and the real Dr. G. Reed was there before me.
Dr. G: What are you doing here, you slime ball jerk?
Dr. G: You heard me. What are you doing here?
RHT: Well, I received in the mail this Patient Love Fiesta coupon that entitles me to hundreds of dollars worth of free services.
Dr. G: Are you kidding? Free? You think I could stay in business giving things away? Any moron could figure that my Patient Love Fiesta Days are just a way to get jerks like you in the office so I can get as much money from you or your insurance company as I can.
RHT: But ...
Dr. G: I love watching all you greedy bums scrambling out of your cars to get your freebies. You almost run to the office as if you're being pushed along with cattle prods.
RHT: You're a fine one to be calling other people "greedy."
Dr. G: Sure -- I'm greedy. I'll do anything to steal away their patients. I'll have my CAs call people at home and bother all those who might not be coming in as often as I want them to. I'll tell all the patients that they'll die of a serious illness if they don't come to me as often as they can afford. I'll offer rewards for the jerks bringing in more of their stupid greedy friends. If they decide to leave me and go somewhere else I'll threaten, cry, and even beg them not to leave. Nothing is too low or unprofessional for me to do to get more money.
RHT: What if they can't afford to see you?
Dr. G: Then I don't have time for them, of course. Sure I'm greedy. I want nothing in this life but more money and I'll do anything for it, and what's more I'll never make enough. Money, money, money. I'll even give what I do "religious" overtones so that the morons out there will think I'm on some kind of "holy mission" for their health. Yeah, I'm greedy, but there's one difference between scum like you and me. You're here because you think you're going to get something for nothing -- and I'm here to make sure you don't.
RHT: Doesn't it bother you to victimize the public? How can you look at yourself in the mirror or sleep at night?
Dr. G: Oh, I like what I see; I see a smart guy making a lot of money and that helps me sleep better.
At that point the serum began to wear off and the face of Dr. Reed began to change into one wreathed in goodness and love.
Dr. G: where -- where am I? Who are you?
RHT: Er -- one of your prospective patients on your weekly Patient Love Fiesta Day.
Dr. G: Yes, yes -- of course. Now let's see, where was I? Yes -- now let me see. Have I already told you how bad you look and how you can't live another day without my services? Had I told you of my love for my fellow man and how my life is dedicated to your wallet -- I mean welfare? Or did I get to the part where ...
With that I left before I got sick. In leaving I had to fight my way through the crowds. Maybe, after all, they deserved each other.