|Author's note: The following news items could be true ... or not.)|
Natural Healing Arts School Expands Mission
ATLANTA - The Atlanta University of Health has announced that it is adding a College of Mortuary Science to its current offerings - a College of Chiropractic and a College of Sports Health Medicine."We have long advocated chiropractic care for an array of human dis-eases. Now we have an answer for rigor mortis," said William Sidwell, spokesman for the university. "Our curriculum will now give our students an opportunity to pursue a dual degree. Being a chiropractor and also a mortician gives a graduate an advantage in the new model of health economics." The school will now be known as the Atlanta University of Life and Death.
ROSWELL, N.M. - At the annual convention of the Society of Hypoglycemia Victims (SHV), the board of directors unanimously voted to change the name of the society to the Society of Fibromyalgia Victims. The chairman of the SHV, Edith Prickley, in the organization's recent press release, remarked, "Our low blood sugar disease no longer gets any respect. Because the condition of fibromyalgia (FM) has a stronger media presence, we believe it is possible that many of the hypoglycemia sufferers in this country may also have fibromyalgia." Ms. Prickley also ventured the possibility that "FM may have masked their hypoglycemia, thus making FM the new focus of the organization."
Muscle Relaxants Do Not Enhance Marathon Runners' Performance
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Researchers from Harvard University have concluded from a recent study that taking muscle relaxant medications prior to running a marathon does not increase performance. The study, the result of a five-year, $480,000 Nike grant, was designed to determine the factors that most closely predict winning among marathon runners. Lance Anderson, the last person to cross the finish line in the Boston Marathon, was one of the participants in the experimental group. "I thought I was going to fall asleep before I could finish the race," he said. The conclusion of the study has prompted the FDA to insist that all muscle relaxant medication packaging include the warning: "Do not take while running."
Acupuncture Therapists Claim X-Ray Imaging Is Within Their Legal Domain
SACRAMENTO, Calif. - In its continuing effort to expand the scope of practice of acupuncture, the California Acupuncturist Caucus (CAC) has lobbied to include the use of X-ray imaging in its Practice Act. "Ancient Oriental medical doctors used the information given by shadows of a patient on the ground to determine the correct points to stimulate with needles," said Chou Wang, spokesperson for the CAC. "We believe the use of X-rays by acupuncturists makes perfect sense, in light of the historical evidence we submitted to the legislature today." It is rumored that next year, the CAC plans to lobby for the inclusion of epidural disc injections in its Practice Act. "Considering our skill with needles, it just makes sense," said Mr. Wang.
New Vaccination Prevents the Development of Subluxations
IOWA CITY, Iowa - The University of Iowa Health Science Center today announced that a vaccination has been developed to prevent the entity known as "subluxation." Bruce Besse MD, PhD, lead scientist for the team that discovered the vaccine, said, "We sort of came on to this vaccine by accident. The university had a legislative mandate to investigate subluxations, so we did. The senators in this state have a lot of clout with funding, so we happily accepted the NIH money for the project, but never thought we'd come up with something like this." Dr. Besse denied the accusation that the American Medical Association was behind the development of the vaccine, in an effort to injure the chiropractic profession. The National Chiropractic Association would not comment on the recent finding.
John Hanks, DC
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